remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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