i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Found the puke drawer
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
