You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
