Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
