When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize