you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize