if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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