i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
