I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
