Where is the hickey?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
