I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize