Girls should come with a carfax report
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
