I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
