I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
