If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize