ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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