Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize