I think my fart just growled at me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
