they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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