I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
