o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
