Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
