I didn't shave. On purpose
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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