blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I won't apologize to a one balled man
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
COCAINE IS GR8
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize