The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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