Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
