Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
