if i can run in heels then i can drive
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
