He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
