I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
