I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
