mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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