apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
