I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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