My hand turned me down
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
