I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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