so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think I just sharted jello shots
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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