I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
your room smells of hookers.
And success
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
