M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize