...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
