I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
