wakey wakey hands off snakey
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
