I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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