My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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