I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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