1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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