i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
