I cannot find my penis.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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