apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
