She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
BRING THE BAGELS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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