I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
