if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
