i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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