Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
