I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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