MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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