You don't have asthma, your pregnant
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize