but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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